European trip makes editor confront fears

This staff column was originally published in the Tuesday, April 13 issue of The Daily Beacon.

This May I’m venturing across the pond. I’ve planned a whirlwind trip through England, Germany, France and Italy. The purpose of my trip is to do research for my senior thesis, which examines textual and iconographic representations of St. Margaret of Antioch. (Yes, medieval art and literature are fantastic fields of study which warrant trips to amazing, long-dreamed-of locations. Be jealous.)

Certainly this will be an exciting trip, and I am exhilarated at the thought of doing my own primary research and traveling alone through Europe. But I’m also afraid.

In her introduction to the 25th anniversary edition of “The House on Mango Street,” Sandra Cisneros writes about her own young adulthood adventures and her determination to confront her fears. One of Cisneros’ old friends asked her how she dealt with living alone in a Chicago apartment. Her reply came years later in this introduction to the book: “I did it by doing the things I was afraid of doing so that I would no longer be afraid. Moving away to go to graduate school. Traveling abroad alone. Earning my own money and living by myself. Posing as an author when I was afraid.”

Posing, here, seems to be a key word. In order to inhabit the life and the identity that we desire, we must imagine ourselves in that ideal role. Dreaming is more than just envisioning wisps of possibility in your morning coffee, as Carly Simon once sang. Attaining dreams requires not only that one work to overcome external obstacles, but also that one work through the pain and difficulty of vanquishing one’s fears.

I think this erasure of fears also requires an inquiry into the reasons why one is fearful.

So why am I afraid of traveling abroad alone?

Well, there’s the obvious concern about safety — the one emphasized in particular by family members. But this is not really my primary worry. The same precautions apply for staying safe in Paris as do in Knoxville.

Another fairly obvious concern is the language barrier. In most of the places I’m visiting, nearly everyone will likely speak English. And if not, I have my handy-dandy French, Italian and German phrase book to aid me in basic communication. Though I’m sure I’ll butcher the pronunciation for the most part. Even if limited in communication, I’ll be fine in this respect. I’m a fairly independent person and won’t feel the need to talk to others too much.

I think the heart of my fear is the fear of what I might miss while away. Of course, there won’t be too much going on in Knoxville in May — except for three hours-a-day mini-term classes that I won’t be too upset to avoid. I’ll be leaving behind my kitty and my friends, but really it’s only for 20 days. Maybe I’m actually afraid that my world will go on just fine without me. And what does that mean for my significance as an individual?

I’m not sure this exploration has resolved any of my fears. In fact, I feel unsettled thinking that the majority of people’s lives would proceed relatively unchanged without my presence. We all desire to make an impact on the world in some way, even if that impact is only realized by one other being. Confronting fears can lead to a greater awareness of one’s psychology and also to potential areas in which one might find their calling, so to speak.

For Sandra Cisneros, her calling was to write, to express her emotions, emotions to which many readers have since related. By imagining herself to be a writer, Cisneros became one. By facing her fears, she inspired others — me — to do the same.